ABOUT ME - PAGE ONE
SO WHO THE HECK IS RICKIE LEE?

Ah jeepers, that's a loaded question. I think I'm an okay person who has had her share of ups-n-downs - A person who had learned early in life not to allow my heartfelt feelings show, or various emotions & above all, not to ever allow others to know they hurt me deep where the hurt tears you apart the most. I learned very, very early in life that humans aren't to be trusted. My best friends were the pets at home and the animals in the woods. No human had ever gotten as close to my heart as did the animals in my life.

I learned that facing who & what I am at an early age is pretty difficult but making the decision to BE who & what I AM was the most difficult thing I had ever done. I knew all my life that I was 'different' than the other little girls. I liked doing all the 'boy' stuff. My playmates were all boys. I never got in to that 'play with the dollies' & doing the 'dress-up like mommy' thing. The only thing holding me back when I was a youngster was that I simply never could put a name to the things I was feeling & I didn't know of any other person having those same feelings. Not until I learned what a 'queer' was. I had heard the word once in school after we moved from Upstate New York to Joisey (NJ) & asked my father what it meant. He got all flustered and told me that I should never say that word. Well, okay ...... then it's a 'bad' word. I learned all too soon what 'queer' was & when I did, I knew it described me to a tee except I wasn't a boy liking other boys.... I was a girl liking other girls. The subject was never talked about much back then. I wasn't able to ask anyone all the questions I had been wondering about. I didn't even know anything about human sex. Hell I was only about 7 yr. old!!! Even then, at such a young age, I knew I wanted to be the 'daddy' in MY family!!!! Oh, then came the word 'fag'. Those who hated people like that would really emphasized that word with such distaste (no pun intended) in their voices & such angry expressions on their faces. But that was directed to B-O-Y-S!! I wanted to know what " I " was!!!

When I got a little older I heard a word ....... lesbian. I knew from the conversation what it pertained to. Geee, that's IT!!!!!! I MUST be a lesbian!!!! "Hello, I'm Rickie Lee & I'm a L-E-S-B-I-A-N!!!" Oh how I wanted to yell it out to everyone ......... I FINALLY had a 'name' for MEEEEEEEEE!!!! I ached to be able to speak to others about MY daydreams concerning the female teacher, or the young gal at the soda shop or the new girl at our school ..... but I knew better. Each time I heard the word 'queer', 'fag' or 'lesbian' it was of a negative nature. I heard the repulsion in the voices & heard the teasing the other kids would do to each other & for that reason I kept my mouth shut and my feelings deep inside.

Oh I had crushes on so many gals in my young life. I say here again that I wasn't aware of anything 'sexual' among humans. I merely wanted to hold their hands, kiss them on their cheek (the ones on either side of the nose, mind you .... *S*), take walks with them & sit under a tree with my arms around them. Oh what crushes they were ...... and ohhhh so many of them too.

I then began having 'funny feelings' when I got a little older, around age 10. Some strange, deep inside feelings and my 'crushes' began to make me emotional at times. I knew I was missing something, a yearning .... but what was it? I got to the age when being alone with a girl I liked made me 'tingle'. Oh what a feeling!!! The nights of crying myself to sleep & wanting, yearning, feeling so very lonely ...... it became unbearable. I HAD to do something or (I thought) I would DIE!!! I had to figure out a way to 'know' if the girl would be mad at me if I tried to kiss her. Or would she tell someone??? Oh what a hell of a thing to work out. I might add here that this was before my 'gaydar' was completely developed. *S*

So one day my little friend & I were walking in the woods as we usually liked to do in the evening after supper. We sat at our favorite boulder & talked. Slowly I turned the conversation towards 'funny feelings' & have we ever kissed anyone before. Well, hey...... I was only a kid!!! Conversation for me has always been difficult!!! Give me a break, please!? Anyhow, as we talked I inched closer to her & tried to keep her busy so as not to figure out what I was doing. To make a long story short, we kissed .... yeah, it was a closed mouth, quick thing, but it packed a wallop for me. I wanted more, more, more!!! Whew, she was a good kisser. Yeah, like I KNEW what a good kiss was! NOT!! THAT my dear visitors was my first honest to goodness girlie friend. My first time at actually liking the girl & her liking me in return. Oh & yes we both learned something 'new' about our bodies that brisk fall. *S*

When I became a teenager I was one of those who liked to skip school & hop the Erie-Lakawanna to the city ... THE city, New York. That was before Manhatten became the Apple. How did that ever come about anyhow??? Oh well .... on with my little story ........ I found my way to the Village. Wow!! My first time there I must have been about 15 when a bunch of us skipped. It was SO much fun & exciting for us. Oh heck, I've been to the city many, many time before that when my grandparents took us to Radio City Music Hall on Easter or some other special occasion but I've never been there without adults supervising me. During our "tourist" visit to the Village I met some old beatniks. Cooooool man, cooool!!!

I wonder how many of the youngin's of today know what a beatnik is. This was at a time that they were being phased out by a new group .... the hippies. We got into the coffee houses & listened to the beatniks perform their strange acts. Poetry that I hardly understood at that time but learned very quickly. The beat of the bongo's & grass & the fact we were doing something we shouldn't be caused me to feel warmth, excitement & a sorta 'belonging' .... I couldn't explain it at the time. I just knew that I enjoyed each time I went. We learned the various tapping codes. We were invited to their 'pads' & they shared their grass with us. It was FANTASTIC!!! I began going by myself when I learned that the village had 'places' for 'people like me'. It didn't take long to learn where to go & what places to avoid. I learned that it was important to always watch over your shoulder. I also found out more about what a womyn enjoys when they're in bed with someone. I was a very, very good student who was always out to please. My 'city gals' were all older then me, had their own places, transportation & didn't mind spending a little money on a kid from Joisey. My first and only completely leather suit was bought for me by a womyn old enough to be my mom. I'll tell you it was difficult explaining that one to my Mom. But she bought the story. I had to let a friend from school in on it, without letting on about my 'sexcapades', because I told my Mom my friend gave it to me. Poor Mom ............. That's another thing you had to learn early ..... lying. It was a necessity for a kid that practiced her lesbianism & who skipped school & sneaked out of the house at night to run away to the city. By the way, I'm sure I can STILL write a note in my Mom's handwriting.

As time went by and I put a couple years under my belt many of the older gays & lesbians I hung around with got me into the 'private' gay clubs. I knew how risky it was for us but I loved it. I was with my own kind. Life with them was 'fast' & crazy. During the times I wasn't able to sneak in I was allowed to stick around one of their apartments, which always had action going on. I want to say here that not ALL of them were happy that I hung around. I certainly had to prove myself 'worthy'. Usually an older butch would begin by picking on me & I learned quick not to take any crap. Sometimes it lead to a fight but most of the time it panned out before the physical 'proving' was necessary. Although I was small, I was working with weights & had a good amount of muscle by then. I learned how to street fight long ago had training in Judo. My father had taught me never to take any guff from anyone & I didn't. I used to laugh at the girls I got in to fights with at school because they were such 'pussy's', fighting like 'girls' while I was fighting like a guy. Much different. I also knew how to find anything within my reach for a weapon if need be. I never said I was a 'clean' fighter. I made sure there was always an equalizer, to make up for my lack of height, within reach. Well you know how bully's usually pick on those who they're pretty sure they can beat? I surprised many of them. One butch in the city told me I had the 'eye of the tiger' but at the time I wasn't so sure of what that meant. Didn't take long to find out though. Back then I was 98 - 100 pounds, had judo lessons, scrapped with others my own age quite a few times and worked out with the weights. I could 'push' 120 pounds and even my own mother used to comment on the fact that I not only walked like a 'boy' but from the back I looked just like a very muscular 'boy'. I was all muscle and knew how to take care of myself. *S*

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